


If I Had Known

by mggislife2789



Category: Criminal Minds, Spencer Reid - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Gunshot Wounds, Original Character Death(s), Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-29
Updated: 2017-08-29
Packaged: 2018-12-21 09:39:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11941389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mggislife2789/pseuds/mggislife2789
Summary: Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or their original stories. This is only for fun. It's where my brain goes after the credits roll. No copyright intended. Better safe than sorry. ;)





	If I Had Known

What the hell was she doing? My best friend could not possibly be doing what I thought she was doing. After five years, she’d know that putting herself in the line of fire was the last thing I wanted. Right? The woman I loved already had a gun pointed at her head, I couldn’t bear it if something happened to my best friend and confidant too.

The bullet had grazed my arm, blood pooling in a small puddle at my feet as the rest of the team came in, guns drawn and ready to shoot. Desperation had flooded Maeve’s eyes and I couldn’t do anything to help her. I couldn’t win with Diane. She was going to kill the only woman I’d ever loved, and then Y/N had said those words. “Take me instead.”

“What?” Diane asked, clearly surprised at the gesture.

“Take me instead,” Y/N said again, more steadily than before. Her voice was steady, but her eyes were a twister of emotions. She glanced at me through her peripherals and then toward Maeve, her gaze floating between us both, and it was then that I knew I had the best friend anyone could ever ask for; she was willing to put her life on the line for the woman I loved. “I’ll take her place.”

“Y/N, don’t do this,” I whispered. There was no guarantee that Maeve would be safe either way. Putting Y/N in harm’s way as well hardly seemed worth the risk; Diane could easily take them both from me. 

But Diane could see the fear in my eyes and that had been enough to take her up on her offer; Diane wanted what she could never have, undying love and affection, and she would take it away from anyone she saw fit. “Come here. Then I’ll let her go.”

As Y/N moved in her direction, I could tell she had no intention of letting either of them go, and sure enough, as soon as Y/N was in Diane’s grasp, she cocked the gun. Y/N stomped down on Diane’s toes, causing her to stumble back in pain. Within seconds, Y/N had pushed Maeve toward me and taken a bullet to the stomach, after which Diane fell to the ground in a hail of bullets. “Y/N!” I breathed a sigh of relief knowing that Maeve was safe and Y/N had her vest on, but as I fell to the ground at her side, I could see thick pools of crimson liquid flooding the dip in her stomach; the bullet hit just underneath the vest. “No, no, no!” I cried, pushing my hands down onto her stomach to try and stop the bleeding.

The tears stung at the corners of my eyes as she stared blankly up at me, in a daze, before realizing where she was. “I’m cold,” she said softly.

“Don’t. Don’t leave me.”

“Spence,” she breathed. She reached her hand up to the side of my face, her delicate fingers wiping the tears from my eyes. “I love you, you know that right?”

“Don’t,” I said emphatically. “You’re going to be fine.”

She smiled sadly. “I don’t think I am.” As the floodgates opened, and the tears fell in droves, she continued. “I would do it again, Spence. It’s not your fault. Be happy. Love her. And know that I’ve always loved you. So so much.”

In a panic, I tried pushing harder on her stomach, watching as the blood rushed through my fingers and down onto the concrete floor. Nearly inaudible declarations of love fell from her lips as the ambulance drew closer, but when I pulled my hands away, I looked upward, her eyes now glazed over; the light had gone out. “No!” 

With Maeve behind me, I fell to the floor and screamed until my throat burned raw, going numb as life passed around me - Maeve still at my side. “I’m sorry.”

I wanted to say it was okay, that it wasn’t her fault, but nothing would come out. Instead, I stood up after what felt like hours and wordlessly brought Maeve to an ambulance, before moving to one of my own, my mind focusing on only one thing - Y/N, my best friend, gone, so that my love could live. How was I supposed to reconcile that? “Spence,” JJ said. The name made me snap my head up in hope. Y/N and JJ were the only two who called me that, and for a moment I thought it was her. “I-I’m sorry.”

“She kept saying she loved me,” I said. “She kept saying she loved me and I couldn’t help her.”

JJ put her arm around my shoulder and gave me a slight squeeze. I could always count on her to make me feel better, even in the darkest of times. “I’m so sorry, but she’d do it again in a heartbeat. She’d been in love with you for so long. There was nothing she wouldn’t do for you.”

“What?” I asked, my mouth agape as I turned toward her. What did she mean Y/N was in love with me? She was my best friend. If she’d had feelings for me, she would’ve said something, wouldn’t she?

My friend looked at me confused. “I’m sorry,” she said, stuttering over her words as she stood up from my side and hugged her jacket closer to her frame. “I thought you knew.”

A lingering look hung between us before she walked away with tears in her eyes, leaving me to contemplate everything I’d come to know over the last few months. I’d been in love with Maeve, but my best friend, whom I loved with all my heart, was in love with me, and I hadn’t even noticed. What must she have felt like in her final minutes, knowing that I had no idea of her feelings for me? “I’m a horrible person,” I whispered to no one. My best friend was in love with me and gave her life so I could love someone else. “I’m a horrible person.”

“You’re not a horrible person,” Maeve said. “She wouldn’t have done what she did if you were.” She stepped closer to me, stretching her hands out to embrace me - that thing we’d been longing to do for months, but now it felt wrong. “I need a moment alone.”

Nodding, Maeve claimed she understood - that she knew I needed time. But in all honesty, I didn’t know how much time I’d need, or if there would ever be enough to soothe the sharp, stabbing ache in my heart. After getting in a cab, I ended up at a lake that Y/N and I frequented when we wanted to spend the day together. Without a care for who was around or whether anyone would hear me, I craned my head to the cloudless, deep, dark night and screamed at the top of my lungs, hoping somewhere up in that great big sky where all the gods apparently lived, one of them might here my cries and send me a sign - something to tell me how I should feel, because the moment Y/N’s eyes glazed over had been the same moment I’d gone numb. I couldn’t feel anything. Just as I couldn’t save her, I imagined I wouldn’t be able to save myself.


End file.
